It was now time for my whole situation to sink in on an emotional level. Again, if you are going through this, or know someone who is, this section is particularly devoted to the struggle that one goes through during this predicament.
For some reason, I never felt alone. I had a lot of people to support me, but I know even under those conditions some may feel very much alone. What I did, and do, feel is a sense of loss. I felt as though I wasn't as desirable as other women, that I was permanently different, and a bit broken. Yes, broken is a bit cliche by some standards, but I feel it is the best way to describe it. I was mad as well. Lord was I mad. Not just at the diagnosis, but at everything. Don't be surprised if this sounds familiar. If the dog barked too much, I yelled. If the mail didn't deliver the bill I was waiting for, I cried. Yes, I know, it sounds crazy and over dramatic, but know that people experiencing this aren't really upset about those things. The most simple of occurrences which are normally nothing, just build and build and build on top of the original problem.
I'll admit now that I never admitted all that at the time. I refused to let everyone know that I had no grasp on what set me off. You know what? Thats o.k.. I realized that crying was my way to get all my emotions and confusion out at once. If that isn't how you think you operate, that is fine too. Outlets are a key element in this puzzle.
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