To save some time, I'll go ahead and skip on over to two days before surgery. The day had come for pre-surgery testing, which meant getting blood drawn. Let me preface this with yes, I have a ton of piercings and tattoos, but the idea of getting blood drawn makes me want throw up, pass out, throw up again, and then flee to another country. This is just one of those things that sends my anxiety through the roof. Once again, my boyfriend would be the one to take me. I highly suggest having somebody with you regardless of whether or not you share my fear. Support, as I have said, is support. Try to do nothing alone. Long story short, I hid deeply in my boyfriend's sweatshirt and bit the board until it was over.
The day there after was my last day before surgery, and went way too fast. I spent the next morning reluctantly getting ready, which meant showering and getting dressed. I couldn't wear make up, no piercings, no eating, no drinking water, nothing. I dragged my self around the house for a few hours practically breathing through my electronic cigarette. Thank goodness I had quite smoking with it, or that would really put the icing on the, "don't do this today" cake. I arrived at the hospital a little after 10 am, and the anxiety set in. I don't think I've ever shook more violently a day in my life. I was only seated in the waiting room for a few minutes before I was taken in the room I would have my bed in. At this point, everything was happening way too fast.
Once again, I was stuck with a needle to start the I.V. Luckily, it was not as bad as the first time, which resulted in a collapsed vein, and a surprising amount of pain. Every bit of my body went numb from my nerves, and I couldn't calm down for the life of me. The most adorable little anesthesiologist came in to talk to me, and told me she would quietly sneak some Valium in my I.V. right before I went in, and suddenly the awkward hospital gown and frightening experience got a little bit better. At that point in time, I was so tired from freaking myself out that I was half asleep half the time I waited for my doctor. On some level, I would say that was the best thing I could do for myself. I personally would recommend just trying to relax, but as you can see that doesn't always happen. As promised, Valium was slipped to me and let me tell you, everything was great from then on. My biggest fear was being put under twilight, but to be honest I don't even remember what the surgery room looked like when I got there. There's a light at the end of the tunnel here folks, and its name is sedation.
I had my cone biopsy done, my LEEP procedure done, and it all took about 20 minutes. I woke up about 45 minutes later loopy as all hell, and asking the nurse every possible question I could think of. I was reunited with my family, and it was all over for now. Sleepy and in a bit of pain, I returned home. Of course with my luck, I had no idea that I was no where near prepared for the upcoming days. Where is the nurse with the Valium when you really need it anyhow?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Much time wasted
When I think about all the time I spent feeling a sense of emptiness, or all the chances I had to enjoy something (anything at all) I get quite furious with myself. Upon looking back however, I slowly realize that there was no way I could have felt any different. That thought process still happens to this day, for you will come to learn much of this blog so far has been the events leading up to present day. After all I still have to convey, this predicament is still not over for me, thus this system of thinking is ever going.
I have more words to those who may be experiencing this as well, just as you may have expected (which is what I'm counting on.) You very well become very mad at yourself, but chances are, you won't be able to explain why. In fact, you're probably going to be mad at everything. I expressed before that I personally felt extremely mad and undesirable as well. It was almost as if everyone knew what was "wrong" with me, even though I hadn't told nearly anyone outside my family. As you have collected I have a wonderful boyfriend, but I was convinced things would change between us due to the situation.
I believe this was mainly due to what the doctor told me to consider. He was with me in the room when she told me to start thinking about having children a bit sooner than I may have planned. This was due to the fact that the cells may very well come back, and at some point, a hysterectomy might be in order. Look, I know those are uncomfortable words for some members of my audience to read, but it is a reality that many women face, and I would rather have them be the only appreciative, smaller audience than have a huge amount of people who can't stand my content. Any who, neither of us are being anywhere close to being ready for children, so I was convinced that would scare him away. Not to mention how undesirable I would feel to him if I had the "H" word. Bottom line is this, he stayed. In the long run no one was judging me, and no one will judge you. Support, support, support. I'll say it a thousand times, but its out there to anyone who will accept it. Try and do yourself one thing if any, and don't waste any time.
I have more words to those who may be experiencing this as well, just as you may have expected (which is what I'm counting on.) You very well become very mad at yourself, but chances are, you won't be able to explain why. In fact, you're probably going to be mad at everything. I expressed before that I personally felt extremely mad and undesirable as well. It was almost as if everyone knew what was "wrong" with me, even though I hadn't told nearly anyone outside my family. As you have collected I have a wonderful boyfriend, but I was convinced things would change between us due to the situation.
I believe this was mainly due to what the doctor told me to consider. He was with me in the room when she told me to start thinking about having children a bit sooner than I may have planned. This was due to the fact that the cells may very well come back, and at some point, a hysterectomy might be in order. Look, I know those are uncomfortable words for some members of my audience to read, but it is a reality that many women face, and I would rather have them be the only appreciative, smaller audience than have a huge amount of people who can't stand my content. Any who, neither of us are being anywhere close to being ready for children, so I was convinced that would scare him away. Not to mention how undesirable I would feel to him if I had the "H" word. Bottom line is this, he stayed. In the long run no one was judging me, and no one will judge you. Support, support, support. I'll say it a thousand times, but its out there to anyone who will accept it. Try and do yourself one thing if any, and don't waste any time.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Here come the water works
It was now time for my whole situation to sink in on an emotional level. Again, if you are going through this, or know someone who is, this section is particularly devoted to the struggle that one goes through during this predicament.
For some reason, I never felt alone. I had a lot of people to support me, but I know even under those conditions some may feel very much alone. What I did, and do, feel is a sense of loss. I felt as though I wasn't as desirable as other women, that I was permanently different, and a bit broken. Yes, broken is a bit cliche by some standards, but I feel it is the best way to describe it. I was mad as well. Lord was I mad. Not just at the diagnosis, but at everything. Don't be surprised if this sounds familiar. If the dog barked too much, I yelled. If the mail didn't deliver the bill I was waiting for, I cried. Yes, I know, it sounds crazy and over dramatic, but know that people experiencing this aren't really upset about those things. The most simple of occurrences which are normally nothing, just build and build and build on top of the original problem.
I'll admit now that I never admitted all that at the time. I refused to let everyone know that I had no grasp on what set me off. You know what? Thats o.k.. I realized that crying was my way to get all my emotions and confusion out at once. If that isn't how you think you operate, that is fine too. Outlets are a key element in this puzzle.
For some reason, I never felt alone. I had a lot of people to support me, but I know even under those conditions some may feel very much alone. What I did, and do, feel is a sense of loss. I felt as though I wasn't as desirable as other women, that I was permanently different, and a bit broken. Yes, broken is a bit cliche by some standards, but I feel it is the best way to describe it. I was mad as well. Lord was I mad. Not just at the diagnosis, but at everything. Don't be surprised if this sounds familiar. If the dog barked too much, I yelled. If the mail didn't deliver the bill I was waiting for, I cried. Yes, I know, it sounds crazy and over dramatic, but know that people experiencing this aren't really upset about those things. The most simple of occurrences which are normally nothing, just build and build and build on top of the original problem.
I'll admit now that I never admitted all that at the time. I refused to let everyone know that I had no grasp on what set me off. You know what? Thats o.k.. I realized that crying was my way to get all my emotions and confusion out at once. If that isn't how you think you operate, that is fine too. Outlets are a key element in this puzzle.
Funny Cells
By this time, I'm sure you're wondering why I named this blog, " Funny Cells." Well, I'm getting there, in due time.
Due time had indeed past excruciatingly slowly from the last doctor's visit to the next. She sat me down once again to explain my dilemma in the form of a time line. There was the beginning, being the cells that essentially fix themselves, and the end, being cancer. The biopsy I spoke of before would tell us how far along the time line I was. Like I stated, from my personal experience the biopsy was not painful at all. My recommendation to having this done is making sure you have a reputable, skilled doctor. Remember, they are there to help and make you as comfortable with everything is possible. DO NOT be afraid to ask questions. I unfortunately was, but luckily my doctor had explained everything I could have asked about.
Lets jump a bit to the future shall we. When the results came back, the cells were further down the time line than everyone had expected. I was informed that I would either have a cone biopsy done, or whats called a LEEP procedure. Both, very safe, but still scary. Upon leaving the doctor a this time I was demanded by my boyfriend that I never call them cancer cells again. Instead, I had to call them funny cells. His attempt at making it that much less hard to talk about. So there you go, funny cells it is.
Due time had indeed past excruciatingly slowly from the last doctor's visit to the next. She sat me down once again to explain my dilemma in the form of a time line. There was the beginning, being the cells that essentially fix themselves, and the end, being cancer. The biopsy I spoke of before would tell us how far along the time line I was. Like I stated, from my personal experience the biopsy was not painful at all. My recommendation to having this done is making sure you have a reputable, skilled doctor. Remember, they are there to help and make you as comfortable with everything is possible. DO NOT be afraid to ask questions. I unfortunately was, but luckily my doctor had explained everything I could have asked about.
Lets jump a bit to the future shall we. When the results came back, the cells were further down the time line than everyone had expected. I was informed that I would either have a cone biopsy done, or whats called a LEEP procedure. Both, very safe, but still scary. Upon leaving the doctor a this time I was demanded by my boyfriend that I never call them cancer cells again. Instead, I had to call them funny cells. His attempt at making it that much less hard to talk about. So there you go, funny cells it is.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Parking lot ballroom
After the initial news was delivered to me, I struggled a bit to get my family out of the waiting room, but we finally walked out the front doors. I couldn't bring myself to hold it in much longer. They naturally asked what was wrong and patiently stood in front of the doors while people walked past into the office until I was ready to get to the car. My boyfriend, being the odd individual that he is, waited a while and decided to make me waltz right there in the parking lot. Again, if you know someone in this position, smiles heal all. Temporarily or not, I smiled at least once, despite the news.
The long wait began before I received another phone call asking me to come back. The wait was unbearable to say the least. If you are waiting for anything, and I mean anything that bring such a heavy stress on you, I know, it is the worst part. I can't tell you something will make you forget for a little, or what can be said to help. For me, nothing helped. That may just be how it goes. I obviously won't speak for everyone's experience, but from mine, try and find the little things you once enjoyed. Worst case scenario, it didn't help, but you got up off the couch and played a round of tennis, or whatever the case may be.
The long wait began before I received another phone call asking me to come back. The wait was unbearable to say the least. If you are waiting for anything, and I mean anything that bring such a heavy stress on you, I know, it is the worst part. I can't tell you something will make you forget for a little, or what can be said to help. For me, nothing helped. That may just be how it goes. I obviously won't speak for everyone's experience, but from mine, try and find the little things you once enjoyed. Worst case scenario, it didn't help, but you got up off the couch and played a round of tennis, or whatever the case may be.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The days to follow
The next week or two waiting for the appointment were horrifying to say the least. By this time I had obviously informed my parents of the previous phone call, and they were both reassuring as to the chance that it was just a simple, abnormal test. After all, that happens a lot, right? The day finally came and everyone I had told wished me luck, and my mother and ever supportive boyfriend went with me to the doctor.
We had a humorous argument in the waiting room about an advertised 4D ultrasound. Obviously, there is no such thing as 4D, and no nurse whatsoever could explain what it was. Needless to say this took my mind off of things for a while. If you know someone in this position so far, or later on in my chronicle, trust me the best thing you can do is distract them. Telling them it will all be o.k. and over soon may seem like the right thing to do, as well as your natural reaction, but in some cases it isn't. For me, it made me quite angry. I always sternly replied with, " You don't know that," or, " How could you say that right now?"
I was called into the room and undressed into that horrid paper gown I was so familiar with by that point. My doctor walked in and had a seat in front of me, and gave me the run down. Turns out it wasn't just an oxymoron of a normal, abnormal test result. She explained it to me on a time line of sorts, and told me I had cancerous cells on my cervix. I have a long line of cancer in the family, as she pointed out, and the conversation seemed to last forever. I couldn't even pay attention to my fullest ability. Already, my worst nightmare had come to fruition, but I had to hold back the tears. Did I really though? I don't have a clue, but I did my best.
We proceeded with the biopsy, which by the way, isn't as bad as it sounds. I was incredibly frightened, I will not deny that. But as it turns out, there are not many nerve endings there. So, if you are having this done, try not to fret too much. I know that does NOTHING to help the anxiety, trust me. But, I am telling you from experience that there was no pain. The results would be back in about a week, and all I had left was her caring words and massive amount of cancer pamphlets.
We had a humorous argument in the waiting room about an advertised 4D ultrasound. Obviously, there is no such thing as 4D, and no nurse whatsoever could explain what it was. Needless to say this took my mind off of things for a while. If you know someone in this position so far, or later on in my chronicle, trust me the best thing you can do is distract them. Telling them it will all be o.k. and over soon may seem like the right thing to do, as well as your natural reaction, but in some cases it isn't. For me, it made me quite angry. I always sternly replied with, " You don't know that," or, " How could you say that right now?"
I was called into the room and undressed into that horrid paper gown I was so familiar with by that point. My doctor walked in and had a seat in front of me, and gave me the run down. Turns out it wasn't just an oxymoron of a normal, abnormal test result. She explained it to me on a time line of sorts, and told me I had cancerous cells on my cervix. I have a long line of cancer in the family, as she pointed out, and the conversation seemed to last forever. I couldn't even pay attention to my fullest ability. Already, my worst nightmare had come to fruition, but I had to hold back the tears. Did I really though? I don't have a clue, but I did my best.
We proceeded with the biopsy, which by the way, isn't as bad as it sounds. I was incredibly frightened, I will not deny that. But as it turns out, there are not many nerve endings there. So, if you are having this done, try not to fret too much. I know that does NOTHING to help the anxiety, trust me. But, I am telling you from experience that there was no pain. The results would be back in about a week, and all I had left was her caring words and massive amount of cancer pamphlets.
It had to begin somewhere
I remember standing in the parking lot of the tattoo shop at which my boyfriend works, and keep in mind this was only about a month ago or so. Everything is still very new and fresh in my memory, as well as my emotional state. My cell phone rang and when the woman on the other side said she was calling from my Gynecologist's office I realized it was my routine phone call after my most recent pap smear.
This phone call however, did not end as quickly as I suspected. I always got the call, was told everything was normal, and waited a year until my next appointment. It was then that the nurse informed me that my test had came back abnormal. Before I could react, or even really understand what she told me, she scheduled me for an appointment to do a biopsy. Thinking back, I can vividly see myself as if I were someone else observing me. Every bit of emotion left, and I had no idea how to react to what I was told.
My boyfriend wandered over and asked if everything was o.k., and the rest of the day was quiet and anxious. I had to wait a while for the biopsy, and that might have been the hardest part of the ordeal at the time. I had a hundred thoughts racing through my head, as anyone would, and I already wanted it all to be over. The journey had really just began.
This phone call however, did not end as quickly as I suspected. I always got the call, was told everything was normal, and waited a year until my next appointment. It was then that the nurse informed me that my test had came back abnormal. Before I could react, or even really understand what she told me, she scheduled me for an appointment to do a biopsy. Thinking back, I can vividly see myself as if I were someone else observing me. Every bit of emotion left, and I had no idea how to react to what I was told.
My boyfriend wandered over and asked if everything was o.k., and the rest of the day was quiet and anxious. I had to wait a while for the biopsy, and that might have been the hardest part of the ordeal at the time. I had a hundred thoughts racing through my head, as anyone would, and I already wanted it all to be over. The journey had really just began.
Preface
To begin, My name is Mia Petitti. I am a 20 year old woman who is normally full of life. I want to discuss a topic that many people are more familiar with than one would imagine. I am speaking of cervical cancer, and when this began, I know that sharing with even one girl my age would have helped a great deal. Thus, I have chosen to share my experience.
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